Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
