i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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