i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
