Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
