if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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