so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
