I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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