so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
