She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
