Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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