Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
