Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
