Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
