the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
