It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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