In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
