I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
