i already hear my dad disowning me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
