ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
