3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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