i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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