If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I love you.
Bad choice
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
