im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
