so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
