So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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