You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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