I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
