So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
