i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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