Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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