Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
