So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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