I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
