sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
