If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
