Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
