I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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