finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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