i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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