Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
