Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
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Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We had sex on a dog bed..
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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