my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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