I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
