The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
