I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
