textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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