Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
