I'm laying in your front yard are you home
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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