you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
