it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im holly from the hills drunk
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
