Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
