Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
