I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
