Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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