Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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