I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
